Went from two stars to one star overnight. Top fact about Pirates: it’s *long*. Really, really long. There are about 7 kraken attacks, four hours of swashbuckling saber fights, and only one kiss between Keira Knightly and Johnny Depp, who is obviously laughing all the way to the bank and back home to Vanessa Le Taxi. The funniest thing we saw was the trailer for Talladega Nights which had Marcy screaming with laughter at least twice. Do we regret going to see this endless bore of a movie? No, because fun things happen on a Saturday afternoon in Tunkhannock, PA. To wit: my sporty Daffy’s shirt was insulted by local teenagers, we bought super spicy Jalapeno mustard from local lesbians, and for the very first time in my life, I gave an Amish woman a hard time. Also, who knew you could still see $5 matinees anywhere?